i'm a time traveler.

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my name's Rida
i'm 17
jon i can see you don't think i can't
i'll talk to anyone about anything whenever you want so drop by my ask, yeah?
 me 
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this is me.
this is my bucketlist.
these are all the things i’ve learned about myself and other things in the past year (12/13/10). everything was different last year. i know more now. this might be more for me than anything else.
  1. i’m either super motivated or completely unmotivated
  2. i’m more unmotivated than i am lazy
  3. i’m oblivious when it comes to big things (like news) and observant when it comes to little things (like grammar)
  4. i’m influenced easily and by a lot of things and people
  5. i’m a pushover
  6. i’m extremely perverse
  7. you have to be willing to be confident in order to gain confidence
  8. i have a lot of self-control
  9. i have a very weak will
  10. see how 9 and 10 contradict? that’s how i get into so much trouble.
  11. i’m extremely open-minded
  12. i’m easy-going
  13. i’m very understanding
  14. i forgive too easily and too often/i suck at holding grudges
  15. you know when people say “i’ve done things i’m not proud of?” well, i’ve done things and i am proud of those things. it’s hard to explain why. maybe it’s the perverseness. 
  16. i don’t think i really respect many people. i don’t think i know what it means to respect someone or what it feels like. if i did, there’s definitely a few people i admire, people i love. but respect? i don’t know. who deserves it?
  17. i have no idea what it feels like to be in love. if i ever fall in love, or if i have already, i wouldn’t/don’t recognize it. scratch that, i am most definitely in love and it is the most amazing thing i have ever been fortunate enough to experience. scratch that, love is a fucking hard test.
  18. i am either totally apathetic or way too caring. there is no middle ground.
  19. in contradiction to #1 and #21, i am incredibly mediocre. everything in my life is “in the middle.” my looks, my grades, my parents, my home, my friendships, my skills, my vices, virtues, mistakes. nothing is great and nothing is terrible. except my relationship. he’s perfect.
  20. i am a good listener.
  21. i give good advice.
  22. i can’t follow my own advice.
  23. i like attention, but am not willing to do anything to get it.
  24. if i can make anyone happy before myself, i will do it. no matter who they are. i put myself last. some people are just not deserving of something like this. i value myself more now.
  25. if something is on my mind, it will dominate my every thought until the problem is resolved.
  26. i am impulsive.
  27. i am a complete and utter hopeless romantic, in both the modern and conventional sense of the word.
  28. i learned the meaning of love through people that weren’t my parents, which is the wrong way.
  29. i can find the source of all my problems, and i would make a great psychologist.
  30. i can find the source of all my problems … but i can’t fix any of them.
  31. i am the epitome of liberal except maybe when it comes to grammar.
  32. i am a “grammar nazi” because my parents’ english is atrocious.
  33. i like to sit in rooms with the door closed because it gives me privacy (even when i don’t need it) because my parents invade every aspect of my life.
  34. i am perverse because i have to live with so many boundaries and rules.
  35. i hate rules because they are binding and constrictive and entrapping.
  36. i don’t know if a get distracted easily or if i have a short attention span. or both. or if they’re the same thing.
  37. i continue to change, every day, even if it’s infinitesimally (i really like this word). and every day i am a better person.
  38. i get attached really easily.
  39. i get attached really easily because there’s never really been a feeling of attachment at home.
  40. i only accept compliments from strangers. why would they have reason not to tell the truth? i accept compliments more easily from strangers than i do from friends.
  41. i’m secretly pretentious.
  42. i think the word pretentious is pretentious.
  43. i would make the perfect guy. i’m a total guy on the inside. i’m a complete gentleman. i still wish i was a guy.
  44. i’m a total sucker for old-fashioned things and ideas. like typewriters, polaroid cameras, jukeboxes, a guy asking a girl to wear his class ring, asking her to go steady with him, stuff like that is what my fantasies are made of. (my boyfriend asked me to go steady with him. check.)
  45. i’m a very live-in-the-moment type of person.
  46. i hate not knowing things. not knowing the answer to question 3 on the test, not knowing what i’m missing, not knowing what the future holds, et cetera.
  47. referring to #41: i started writing these almost 2 years ago. and i can say with total confidence than i am a better person than i have ever been.
  48. life gets better. so fucking much.
  49. hope means everything.
  50. hope can get really exhausting.